Associated Pressssss
This new wonder drug, discovered by Westchester County Neuro-Geek, Dave Norfleet-Vilaro, has been found “radically effective” in treating many of Twitter’s top trending syndromes and disorders. Even if you’ve never heard of any of the diseases cured by the revolutionary drug, over 80% of Westchester residents report, “I must have that one too”, while skimming the list of diseases and symptoms.
“Clinical trials” which lead to the discovery of PROFEN (pro-FEEN), conducted by Mr. Norfleet-Vilaro, used the scientific method of casual observation on about seven people for around three weeks.
This miracle drug has been “scientifically suspected” to restore energy, reduce pain, boost mood and lessen the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.
The shocking discovery revealed that when administered properly, the wonder drug was effective in alleviating symptoms in more than five top trending syndromes and disorders which include:
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#OlwensDisorder – a neurological disorder which causes a slight to moderate delay in patient’s motion after being in a comfortable position for more than ten minutes.
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#OlniesSyndrome – a seemingly debilitating condition caused by slight to moderate discomfort in the area of and surrounding the patella. (“Clinical studies” show a strong correlation in the onset of Olnie’s Syndrome in patients with Olwen’s Disorder.
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#Olphaartitis – neurologicalish disease which prevents sufferer from doing anything they don’t want to do.
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#Pheimerbichslaptibiaosis – another seemingly debilitating condition caused by slight to moderate discomfort in the area of and surrounding the patella.
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#Pherstwhirldhedakeosis – slight to moderate crainial discomfort which forces the cancellation of shopping, lunching or “taking care of” errands, pets or kids.
All the above diseases respond well to PROFEN resulting in the cessation of symptoms, temporary remission of the alleged disease/syndrome/condition and absence of the accompanying complaints and excuses.
“This guy’s a freakin’ Ponce de Leon”, claims easily impressed neighbor.
The surprisingly easy and inexpensive treatment method is most effective when used preemptively. Fortunately, the onset of the treatable symptoms can be easily predicted. The two most common triggers are “how I tried metabolic expenditure” (HITME) or ”boring entertainment at mealtime event (BEATME) anxiety prognostication disorders.
Having a ready supply of PROFEN is paramount to the success of the treatment plan. A few days before the expected onset of symptoms, prepare a two day supply of the wonder drug by scraping off the first three letters of several ibuprofen tablets. Then the day before onset, take 2 tablets every 6 hours to enjoy a symptom-free life thanks to the anti-inflammatory effects of a twenty year old generic drug and the miracle of the placebo effect.